Field Guide to the Monsters of Trump’s Swamp
By Ben Cable (Originally Published on Substack)
Once upon a midnight murk in the year 2025, way beyond the borders of reality and good governance, the Swamp began to bubble again.
The great orange snake had returned, not to drain the Swamp, as promised long ago, but to restock it, this time with an even more mutated cast of creatures, many of whom had already been banished once before by sunlight, subpoenas, or ghost of CNN.
What follows is a field guide for the brave, the foolish, and the politically doomed who dare venture into this Second-Term Swamp, a place where ethics go to drown, and the rule of law is just a rumor echoing from the drylands.
This guide also serves as a warning that the deadly swamp continues to expand, far beyond Washington D.C. and will continue to take innocent victims.
Donald J. Trump, Supreme Serpent of the Slough
Swamp Type: Apex Narcississnake
Special Powers: Indictment Immunity Aura, Cognitive Dissonance Field
Habitat: Golf bunkers, Truth Social marshes
Notable Crimes: 91 criminal charges and a history of bankruptcies so deep, even bottom-feeders get vertigo.
Now crowned Swamp Emperor for Term Two, Trump slithers back with new scales, more lawsuits, and a grudge against reality itself. After a campaign fueled by grievance and gator-grade gaslighting, he’s ready to reassemble the old gang and add some new cryptids to the mix.Subscribed
Pete Hegseth – The Patriot Harpy
Swamp Type: Cable Warbird
Past Roles: Fox News Host, Trump loyalist, VA Secretary hopeful
Known For: Defending war crimes, opposing handwashing (literally), spewing Murdoch-grade patriotism
This winged beast screeches from atop the ruins of nuance, draped in flags and Fox chyron feathers. His talons grip a Constitution he hasn’t read, while he dive-bombs public health and basic facts from his perch at “Camp Freedom.”
Although branding himself as a devout Christian, the Harpy Hegseth does not believe in vows of marriage, monogamy, or children within wedlock.
He thrives on performance patriotism and thinks every bureaucrat is a saboteur. From his make-up chair perched above the swamp, Hegseth believes real masculinity comes from yelling into a camera about how woke everything is, including soup.
Steve Bannon – The Grifter Crab Returns
Swamp Type: Nationalist Crustacean
Criminal Background: Charged with fraud in the “We Build the Wall” scam; pardoned by Trump before trial.
Current Role: Swamp Propaganda Minister, unofficial consigliere
Emerging sideways from the algae-stained ruins of 2020, Bannon has reattached his claws. Now angrier and more fermented than ever, he’s here to turn government agencies into podcasts and enemies of the state into T-shirt slogans.
Stephen Miller – The Pale Worm of Bureaucratic Doom
Swamp Type: Undead Policy Leech
Powers: Emotion Drain, Ethnic Cleansing by Memo, Extremely Venomous
Past Crimes: Architect of the child separation policy; still un-convicted but morally decomposed.
He could be out of a classic horror movie, Miller is as dangerous as he looks. This worm refuses to die. Slimier than ever, the Pale Worm Miller returns to feast on civil rights and the decaying flesh of immigration law. Expect detention centers with better branding and a “Family Separation Loyalty Rewards Program.”
Kash Patel – The Classified Crocodile
Swamp Type: Deep State Denialist Croc
Current Role: Potential CIA or Pentagon appointee
Legal Footprint: Linked to Trump’s classified docs debacle and efforts to undermine the 2020 election.
Patel lies in the muck with eyes just above water, watching, waiting for your national secrets. Believed to possess the ability to declassify documents by touch and to redact entire truths with a blink.
Michael Flynn – The Coup Bat
Swamp Type: Disgraced General-Turned-Conspiracy Bat
Convictions: Pleaded guilty to lying to the FBI, pardoned by Trump
New Nest: Whispering in Defense Department shadows
Known to hang upside down in military caverns, echoing “martial law” and “Kraken.” He dreams of replacing civics with QAnon devotionals in every school and believes the Constitution should be re-written in Morse code and paratrooper jargon.
Marjorie Taylor Greene – The Toxic Toad of Congress
Swamp Type: Weaponized Amphibian
Role: Unofficial Enforcer of Swamp Culture
Special Skills: Conspiracy Croaking, Laser Accusations
Every swamp needs a noise-maker, and Greene is the banshee-toad who croaks in all directions. Jewish space lasers, 9/11 trutherism, and school-shooter denialism? Just her way of saying “good morning America.”
Peter Navarro – The Trade Viper
Swamp Type: Economic Snake with Forked Stats
Criminal Status: Convicted for contempt of Congress
Economic Plan: Burn the global supply chain and dance in the ashes.
He’s back, hissing his way through macroeconomic theory like it’s a rejected Mad Lib. His plan? Tariff everything, blame China for your hangover, and scream “deep state!” when Amazon raises prices.
Rudy Giuliani – The Oozing Gastropod of Litigation
Swamp Type: Hair-Dye Secretion Slug
Criminal Troubles: Facing disbarment, Georgia RICO charges, and a crumbling face
Current Purpose: Swamp Jester and alternate-elector wrangler
Giuliani slimes through the muck, trailing conspiracy goo and unpaid legal bills. Last seen yelling at a landscaping company while mistaking it for the State Department.Subscribed
Kristina Karamo – The Conspiracy Cyclone
Swamp Type: MAGA Dust Devil
Current Role: Possible voting system “reformer”
Legal Concerns: Peddler of debunked fraud claims, sued by her own party
She spins through the Swamp like a tornado of nonsense, pulling voting machines into her vortex and spitting out lawsuits written in Sharpie.
Pam Bondi – The Ethics Siren
Swamp Type: Legal Lorelei
Known For: Defending Trump during impeachment; once took $25K from Trump Foundation, dropped investigation
Special Move: Distract-and-dismiss
Bondi sits on a rock of expired subpoenas, singing sweet songs of “no wrongdoing” while luring accountability into the undertow. Her hair always perfect, her ethics always… situational.
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. – The Vaccine Banshee
Swamp Type: Zombie Oracle of Misinformation
Affiliations: Anti-vax groups, right-wing media darling
Skillset: Weaponized Contrarianism
Suffering from a brain-worm disorder, RFK Jr. floats above the swamp, wrapped in ghostly anti-vax fog. He speaks in half-truths and full-volume paranoia. Swamp creatures listen because they can’t look away from the spectacle of a Kennedy pushing horse dewormer.
Kristi Noem – The Glam Hyena
Swamp Type: Taxidermy Predator
Scandal Trail: Shot her puppy, lied about it, then doubled down
Current Role: Secretary Dept of Homeland Security
With a taxidermy toolkit in one hand and a modeling contract in the other, Noem prowls the swamp looking for weaker animals to moralize at. She’s fierce, fashionable, and frequently out of touch with both reality and PR optics.
Linda McMahon – The Wrestle-Ogre
Swamp Type: WWE Corporate Monster
Backstory: SBA chief under Trump; WWE exec; PAC queen
Moves: Powerbombing Small Business Integrity through folding tables
This swamp ogre runs billion-dollar political mud wrestling matches where facts tap out early and propaganda pins democracy in the first round. Her finishing move: “The Super PAC Slam.” Note, she may need guidance as she is slithering blindly in the swamp and does not have a clue. Known for her love of A1 (sauce) or inability to distinguish it from Artificial Intelligence (AI).
Elon Musk – The Cyborg Gator
Swamp Type: Neural-Reptile Mogul
Current Function: Swamp Tech Overlord
Tech Debris: Twitter/X disaster, Tesla investigations, Neuralink brain fusions
A half-mechanical, half-egomaniacal swamp gator tweeting from a skull-implanted chip. Musk swims circles around regulations, occasionally launching torpedoes made of crypto, layoffs, or unmoderated disinformation and will take billions of dollars to line his scales when you least expect.
Tulsi Gabbard – The Shape-Shifter Raven
Swamp Type: Ideological Dopplegänger
Past Forms: Democrat, Independent, Fox News commentator
Habitat: Wherever the camera’s rolling
Tulsi appears as what you want to hear… until she doesn’t. She’s a shadowy swamp raven, flapping between libertarian, populist, and “wait, which party is she in again?” in seconds. Beware: may carry anti-establishment spores.
Doug Burgum – The Moss Troll
Swamp Type: Camouflaged Tech Bro Troll
Traits: Polite, well-funded, vaguely midwestern
Swamp Role: Token “Normal” Appointee
He’s the guy in the corner with a whiteboard, a venture capital PowerPoint, and the ambition of someone who once read a Reagan quote on a coffee mug. He blends in well, but no one remembers why he’s here.
Final Notes from the Swamp Biologist
If you thought the 2016–2020 Swamp was bad, the first 100 days of Trump’s 2025 sequel is shaping up to be a creature feature on steroids, dripping with radioactive grievance and authoritarian slime. The cast is meaner, more shameless, deadly and legally sketchier than ever.
Bring bug spray. Bring a lawyer and real medical doctor, And for the love of democracy, don’t follow the glowing eyes in the water.
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